I was born with a shot glass in my hand
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
