what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Is this like a preordered booty call?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Randomize
