I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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