I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
