If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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