Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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