Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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