i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
love makes seman taste better
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
