I am midnight drunk by noon
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
