I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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