I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
