Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
