I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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