Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
