I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
my being single is dangerous.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
