I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
