your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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