Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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