my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
