my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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