My Higher Power is John Stamos
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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