I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
