im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
where are my eyebrows?
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