I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
