I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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