just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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