I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I have tasted many bathrooms
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
