Acid is not a monday night drug
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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