Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
