Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
