he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
