I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Bring me that man meat
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize