I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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