i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
