i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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