I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
God, I missed his penis.
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