Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
