my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize