The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
