Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
