I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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