I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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