the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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