Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
