My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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