mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
