And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
