I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize