I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I need to align my fucking chakras
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize