So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
