Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
