The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
