When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize