My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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