glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
