I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The beer is more important than you right now.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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