I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
