did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
