I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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