After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
